song

jeanne's

all the girls

and you slept with all the girls -
the girls you met in bars, at the end of the night,
the girls you met at work,
who made you laugh, the girls
who were extremely pretty
and those who were not
extremely pretty;
the ones who were funny and the ones
who were smart,
the ones who loved you a little,
in between the lies they liked to hear,
and the ones who didn't care at all,
who wiped you away
like a bad lipstick

they were not her
and they were not there to stay,
and that's what mattered,
that's how you chose them -
the girls who wouldn't stick around
long enough for anyone
to get hurt,
long enough for anyone
to understand what's happening
and to feel
anything

***

in alta ordine de idei, m-a trezit frigul. caloriferele stau, nu merg. stau si eu cu pet-ul de vin intr-o mana si tigara in alta si cu trei straturi de haine pe mine. parca incepe sa se incalzeasca... :P

deci azi

e primavara.
si cum citeam eu pe strada si la metrou (da, merg citind pe strada. si nu pic. pic cand nu citesc in schimb. there is a god of the freaks out there) aveam senzatia ca merg la liceu sau facultate si m-a luat un dor de astea si un sictir enorm de biroul vietii....pfoai!!! si acum vreaaau sa stau in parc, sa citesc, sa beau cafea cu lapte si sa fumez mult. si sa te tin de mana. sau nu stiu, sa stau cu umarul sprijinit cumva (sprijinit hmm intr-o parte, shui, ca doar e vorba de mine) de al tau (avea vara-mea un pisoi care se simtea bine doar atunci cand se lipea cat de putin, un milimetru macar, de cine se nimerea pe acolo - altfel nu putea dormi, manca, viziona filme la tv... :P).

deci azi

iar imi ziceam pe drum, in gand, i quit i quit i fucking quit dar n-am... sange-n mine (?) pt asta, stiu ca m-as isteriza dupa ca e criza bla si de unde bani si daca nu gasesc altceva i'm fucked. aaargh. si ne-am mai mutat si la sarea si pipera vietii unde totul e uber securizat si eu intru prin usile de sticla (ca nu le vad) si veceurile-s ridicol de inalte (trebuia sa comentez si despre asta, nu ca eu as avea o problema dar asa, empatia :P) si usile de la cabine ca niste fuste prea scurte si incaperea unde conlucram noi e foarte mica si stam ca la nunta toti pe cate-o scandura de o parte si de alta a birourilor unite (btw a venit un nene egiptean pana la noi si a zis ca 'pfff nici la mine in tara nu mai e asa, barbatii pe o parte, femeile pe alta' - mdaaa dar el nu stie cat suntem de pretioase, ca avem shale si ovare, da, si ne trage curentul daca stam langa geam si daca pe una o trage, apai ne solidarizam toate si ii lasam pe baezti hihi in strana lor acolo - care e chiar pe partea dreapta :> ) si acum se uita toate in ecranul meu, ca doar oameni suntem, impartim acelasi sistem de operare si deci adio stat pe bloguri :P ceea ce nu e o durere prea mare, oricum am prea mult de munca. tampita, de rutina, gresesc constant, stau pana la 7 sa refac daaaar ce satisfactie, zau, cand vine data de 4 in fiecare luna si simt ca ma spetesc (cocosez more likely) pt ceva, am un tzel: chiria :D si ce daca nu imi place si fac lucrurile prost si suntem toti nemultumiti de mine si uit si engleza si tot si imi vine sa ii impusc cand sunt habotnici si misogini si pitzi si lantzugrosi si inculti si analfabeti si ma corecteaza tot ei pe mine - vine 2010 care cica e anul tigrului si tigrul e mai naspa ca boul, can you believe it, asa ca trebuie sa tac, sa inghit pastile si sa imi amintesc sa imi ud poinsetia de pe birou. ca il faut cultiver notre jardin, pai nu. zic.

(si incepusem cu primavara. si senzatia de mers la curs - de promisiuni, posibilitati, maietimp... cred ca ar trebui sa ma sorcovesc bine bine. pe spinare, gen.)

twinkle twinkle

aseara discutam despre gold stars si other lesbians si nu stiu cum de "si"-ul s-a transformat in "versus" -- gold stars VS all other lesbians pluuus the so-called straight girls. (deci am o problema mare cu asta: if you are dating a girl at the moment can you really identify yourself as straight? only because she's your first and -you insist- your only gf ever, 'cause after her -ehm- you'll be going back to guys)

revenind. din discutia de aseara (not my point of view, but rather my point of boiling :P):
1. why 'gold' since it's not a distinction? though it's true that
2. gold stars think themselves better ergo act superior ergo are truly obnoxious
3. but they will eventually feel the need to satisfy their...ummm...curiosity :I so adieu gold star
4. and anyway girls who have been with men also are so much better in bed.

what do you think?

(my friend and i agreed to disagree on this subject :P)

- - -

ce tot observ de 2, 3 craciunuri incoace citind bloguri scrise de gagici gay din afara si blogurile noastre, ale celor de pe aici, e ca noi de sarbatori ne despartim si mergem fiecare la ai lui, iar ei folosesc prilejul asta sa come out fata de neamuri.

o observatie decat.

p.s. deci azi se sarbatoresc cristinele. LMA, confetti si urari your way. which reminds me... ma duc sa imi sun prietena* ;;) (now honestly cat timp credeati ca pot sa stau fara sa scriu aici ceva despre?:P)

___
*a friend told me that i can't really refer to her - my erm...girlfriend - as my gf until we have the "what are we now" talk. so we are together but we don't have a name for it yet... because i can't bring myself to open the suject -- to me, it seems stupid but the friend i was talking about calls it mature. pffff. dear santa,next year just bring me a relationships name directory/ all lesbian dating handbook.

cerul si pamantul

ei de treaba. can. hardly. breathe. sarbatori maramuresene stramutate la ploiesti. atmosfera patriarhala, linistita, de genul "tu esti barbatul casei" (i can feel my brain shrinking -and shrieking- every time i hear that), colinde si obiceiuri crestinesti la tv, facut cruce pe painea curte-made la cuptorul de lut, mancat cat o armata, fumat in frig, afara ("nici asta seara nu poti sa te abtii, sa faci un sacrificiu"), da' e frumos, sort of, o sa dorm si o sa mananc si o sa iau pastile si o sa mananc iar :D si maine ma uit la filme de iarna si la desene.

asa. si pt ca ma enerveaza rau mesajele mistico-religioase, iata si urarea mea traditionala (anul asta am zis sa expand the tradition, sa o pun si pe blog, ca si anul trecut de altfel ):

In aceasta seara MAGICA, va urez multiple emotii TAINICE si fie ca SUFLETUL dvs sa renasca intru SFINTENIE din VATRA bailor de LUMINA! Canistre de LER, gen. Pun aici labuta impregnata cu sclipici,
xxx deci,
ileana

thank you for the music

iernile mele nu prea au coloana sonora. sau nu una tipica. urasc colindele si cantecele de craciun. sau -- le uram. de ceva timp incoace ascult nonstop midwinter graces si alte cantecele mai vechi pe langa, acum imi plac toate, let the holidays begin (they can't kill me, can they)



o sa va povestesc cum m-am mutat in pipera, ce tampenii mi-au mai trecut prin cap, cum a fost anul asta, cum s-a incheiat el deja pt mine acum o luna aproape, si cat de fantastica, frumoasa, minunata, superba poate fi iarna asta :P (am putina febra, arat ca naiba, am dormit de la 7 la 3, mi-a murit ceva -neidentificat- in frigider, am datorii, mai am doua haine curate [gen], am cumparat cele mai penibile cadouri de craciun, maine merg la munca si apoi, noaptea tarziu, la ploiesti, unde o sa ascult hrusca 4 zile dar nu pot sa nu zambesc zambesc zambesc nonstop- ca imbecila :P). asa. deci. o sa povestesc toate astea cand o sa zambesc mai putin :P



Shower the world with pink if you please

:)

"o sa

te iubesc"

spuse.

ziua in care nu trebuia sa ma dau jos din pat

sau a doua rezolutie pt 2010 (prima e mai fun: sa invat suedeza - as fi vrut olandeza dar singura nu o sa ma tin de asta si nu e nimeni interesat sa mi se alature, suedeza cu jeanne might be fun, daca gasim curs/meditator):
find.another.job.
soon.

uof.

am facut mere coapte

umplute cu stafide si mirodenii, invaluite-n sos de caramel si scufundate apoi in inghetata :>

(da, ma laud)

11 days 'til xmas

does anyone feel this? the season, the mood (albeit it's just the holiday blues)?

in newspapers: the best decade, the worst decade, everything about the noughties. exit year of the ox, enter year of the tiger (of course i don't really believe in such things, i have my own system: bad year, meh year, good year :> )

as i was saying last year, i'd like to enjoy xmas for once. feel its urban 21st century melancholy at least :P but it is a mood you have to work on, to construct, and as i can't submerge myself gradually into this ...advent feeling, i'll just visit it for 3 days and then come back to my place&to my office and proclaim it unreal.

as for new year, bleargh, i love parties, but i've always hated and botched this one :P

p.s. besides the current heap of problems that i try to juggle with (pff unnecessary drama that will keep for my[]self&friends - poor dears) i'm dead tired, it's yawning monday. but v v happy, rox is here, she offers both fun and food and thus is truly appreciated *and this, my friends, is what i call thanksgiving:P*

emmy is great

ce mai ascult eu (noua obsesie - nu asa de noua, dupa cum pot sa confirme cei care 'sufera' din cauza postarilor mele dese de pe facebook :P):



varianta live a aceluiasi cantec aici.


morning song (city song):




i knew you best back when love was just a feeling that ran out between my legs












:D






something a bit different.

and a nice cover.

sora mea minunata si straight

ea: daca vrei sa plecam, imbraca-te pana ajung si ceilalti.
eu: pai sunt imbracata.
ea: asa meeergi???
eu: mda... ce are? asa am fost si la munca.
ea: erm ...cu hainele de casa?!
eu: pffbt
ea: du-te si machiaza-te atunci.
eu: nu vad rostul etc etc [norme...asteptari...patriarhat...spume la gurita...huo]. besides, i'm depressed.
ea: ummm.... voiam doar sa te fac sa te simti mai bine, sa-ti gasesti o prietena draguta si sa nu mai fii singura.

(the rest is tequila...but...awwww)

yeah, come to think of it

my agenda is really packed. with dates that i keep postponing. oh. god.

( macar incerc incep sa cred in liberul arbitru&stuff, i will say no if i feel like no, i will say no if it doesn't feel like yes entirely)

so, there, my agenda is packed. oh.god(dess). when did this happen?

p.s. remember the girl from last wednesday? yes, the nice one. well, she found my blog. huh, how cool is that? now almost *takes a minute to remember how to pray* all my romantic interests, exes, girls i've dated, girls i've refused to date etc etc read this. talk about a bad time to develop an ulcer and quit drinking...

p.s.2. when did they teach 19 yr olds to be fun and flirtatious??! and why hasn't anyone told me about it? pfft.

p.s.3. sadland begins to resemble lesbian chick lit, doesn't it? :-S

the why do i relate to sitcoms conundrum

am ajuns aproape la zi cu 'the big bang theory' si it just hit me. why i like this show so much (despite it being a bit sexist, i can't help but notice such things, it happened with 'the boat that rocked' too and it kinda ruins most of my conversations and reading experiences also). the RESEMBLANCES.

so:

- i've dated sheldon (no further details, enough said)
- like leslie i have been known to say that 'i'm good until new year' (apparently, i was wrong...)
- just like koothrappali i can't speak to women i like unless i'm drunk not until i have sex with them :I
- and let's not forget (the opening song): "it all started with a big bang" :">

i still have a few episodes to watch and if providence... provides (provided that i myself start believing in said providence) i won't find any other resemblances to my own life. "jenibil" is the word :D

synesthetically yours

diminetile cu tine. lumina, muzica, asternuturile, ceaiul, pielea ta. acele cateva dimineti perfecte. privesc pe geam, e iarna iar, e dimineata, au trecut doi ani si nu vreau sa-mi amintesc altceva. o sa scriu despre asta diseara. dimineti in care am fost fericita. atat.

come monday night

asa sunt eu. tu?

buna. sunt ileana, am 25 de ani, cand m-apuc sa bat campii spun absolut tot ce-mi trece prin cap, the sky is the limit. imi displace sa scriu cu majuscule, imi plac prietenii mei, un joc numit cluedo (la care pierd foarte des), cartile si orice are gust sau miros de scortisoara. uneori sunt incapatanata si cu toane, cu toate astea imi doresc foarte mult sa nu deranjez pe nimeni si sa fiu placuta de toti (micul meu secret rusinos). ma intristeaza foarte tare respingerile, dar pana acum nimeni n-a facut-o doar pentru ca a aflat ca sunt gay. sunt eu o persoana intr-atat de minunata sau asta chiar nu e un motiv sa fim rai? :)

asa sunt eu. tu?

bianco piacere failure&other rants

de vineri noaptea de cand n-am mai iesit din casa mi s-au imputinat vecinii (there's a door draped in black si candele nesupravegheate langa) si infipte in usa ma asteptau doua scrisori: una de la crin antonescu (vineri la 23:30 nu era, asa ca a fost pusa sambata sau azi, is this thing even legal?) si cealalta de la dexter, the serial killer dude (sub forma unui fluturas de la dolce). nu stiu care din chestiile astea ma sperie mai tare...

anyway, i'm back to smoking, mi-am luat tigari si raffaello, daca imi cumpar singura bomboane de-acum scumpe (that's how broke i am, ma asteapta o luna fabuloasa) on an impulse, i must feel crappier than i thought. (and they didn't help, btw)

ce e trist e ca eu imi facusem in capul meu o poveste in legatura cu vecina la usa careia am vazut candele, a mrs dalloway&the old lady opposite climbing upstairs kind of thing, iar faptul ca a murit chiar acum cand sunt megadeprimata si m-am gandit doar la chestii sumbre tot weekendul does not bring me hope, au contraire.

what's up doc?

zi pierduta. am dormit, m-am trezit, m-am crizat, m-am culcat la loc... m-am apucat sa recitesc gloria anzaldua, am lasat-o balta, am spalat doua vase (si apoi am murdarit patru deci stam la fel de bine la capitolul haos), am ascultat muzica si am stat pe intuneric mancand morcovi din cutie (emo rabbit me).

toti s-au dus acasa la ei sa fie siguri ca-i gaseste mosul (sau sa voteze....sau sa se serbeze), numai eu nu :( (asa se explica si de ce azi n-am reusit sa gasesc pe nimeni care sa ma ajute cu o chestie de care mi-e groaznic de frica... )

anyway, la mine anul asta n-o sa vina sigur (mosu'). am si incuiat de doua ori, just in case, ca la ce vecini am...

recomandati-mi filme romantice si triste, am vazut cam tot ce se putea si daca ma apuc sa revad bridgeturile nu mai am ce face de sarbatori :P

crantz! crantz!

thunders and lightnings

in masina, privind spre un panou cu o reclama la cafea.

"nu-mi place deloc tipul asta. il urasc."
"de ce?"
"prea bland. seamana cu ala care apare la tv de paste si craciun."
"umm... jesus??"
"da"
"ce pot sa zic...are o figura usor cristica..."
"exact"
"well, nu pot sa spun ca-l urasc, ma lasa rece, dar acum ca m-ai facut atenta mi se pare o alegere f proasta."
"adica?"
"tu ai bea o cafea la care face reclama unul care s-a trezit abia a treia zi dupa scripturi?"

concluzia serii

dupa un pachet jumate de tigari si cate doua caffe latte per caciula:

'dar cum de unii oameni nu se comporta asa?'
'eu cred ca aia au constiinta.'

is this lame?

'cause it no longer feels wrong.



mood: peacefully exhausted.

scream blue murder

december the 2nd. 'dear diary' series

first date. she's really nice, doesn't talk about aliens and clones (don't even ask me how i've started to appreciate these things) but about music and horses and kids (not that kind of kids talk on your first date, mind you, dear lesbians), so she's a really fine girl, the one you can easily talk to and enjoy yourself with. umm did i say talk? well, even if it didn't get that bad as i'm used to - ileanne smiles and says next to nothing at all at first - it ended that way. with me turning into this totally dumb puppet and the very nice girl asking what did she do/say to make my attitude towards her shift 180 degrees. blimey. so i go home, make a few phone calls in order to discover why am i so blatantly stoopid, friends seem unable to answer, i smoke a few cigarettes and decide to clean a bit this pig sty i am living in as it may also help putting my thoughts in order and it happens. by then i was pretty sure she wasn't going to give up and expected her to try and reach me something like tomorrow or the day after that. but she called this very evening trying to figure out the ...silence of the blond one enigma. (oh my. this really sounds stupid. maybe i am a complete idiot after all.)

problem is we didn't really click as i'd hoped us to. though she's nice (i must stop writing that). but i want that being hit by a truck feeling which is childish and most probably will not happen ever again.

oh and...she's a bit shorter than me. and i had this revelation - why i see this as a problem: because it makes me feel like freakin' gulliver, painfully conscious of my otherwise decent height, as if i'd be starting somewhere in the ozone layer and ending on the other side of the globe. and i start moving accordingly, with silly good giant gestures and all.

aaargh why the fuckety fuck must i be so damned weird.

music, please:

a fost o toamna trista

si un an la fel.

si cred ca va fi primul 31 decembrie de cand am descoperit-o in care nu o sa ascult piesa asta:



Tori Amos - Pretty Good Year
Asculta mai multe audio Muzica

the sadness of throwing away bread

nu am cartea la indemana si nu stiu daca foer a scris si despre tipul asta de tristete, dar eu stiu ca exista si ma deprima cumplit. sa explic: eu nu mananc paine, dar cumpar sa am in casa in caz ca mi se face pofta ...de paine...in miezul noptii. si chiar daca sa zicem ca lucrul asta se mai intampla, ma multumesc cu o felie, doua, nu reusesc niciodata sa mananc o paine intreaga inainte sa expire. deci lucrurile stau cam asa: o cumpar, o privesc cum inmugureste, o arunc.

la fel fac si cu legumele, fructele si carnea pe care nu o mai congelez cand ma intorc de la supermarket pentru ca, nu-i asa, am de gand sa o gatesc azi sau maine. dar sa gatesti pentru o singura persoana e useless de vreme ce exista si restaurante care fac home delivery. si nici nu stiu sa pregatesc portii mici, atunci cand ma incumet sa intru in bucatarie se lasa cu cateva kilograme de cartofi gratinati, cum s-a intamplat sambata (drept urmare numai asta am mancat in ultimele zile, pacat, chiar imi placeau, dar am facut precum zorba cu ciresele, m-am lecuit de placerea asta forever).

p.s. zilele astea tristetea are nenumarate forme, nu mai stiu cate gasise brod (in carte), cred ca o sa incep sa le inventariez si eu.